Keisha Hester, MA Professional Writing & Rhetoric, Carnegie Mellon University (2012)
I met him when I was five. He was adorable and happy and I was just a sweet kid with a little bit of a crush. In first grade we were playing tag and he caught me behind the playground and tagged me with his lips. It was just a peck, but my goodness it was just the happiest thing. We started calling each other after school nearly every day and always doing what we could to spend time together in classes all through elementary school.

遇到他的時候我才5歲，當時，他是一個非?？蓯矍铱鞓返哪泻?，而我也不過是一個有點迷戀他的可愛小姑娘。一年級的時候，我們一塊玩捉人游戲，他在操場后面抓住了我，并通過嘴唇標記了我，雖然只是輕輕一吻，但是天哪，這是我感到最高興的事情了。于是，我們幾乎每天放學都會給對方打電話，而且在整個小學期間，我們總是盡可能在課堂上待在一起。

We continued to be friends and all of our classmates were sure we were Cory and Topanga, that we’d inevitably get married and continue to be adorable for all of time. We officially started “dating” when we were 11, but it was always off and on, and extremely innocent. When we were finally in high school and what was between us felt like it could actually be something, like it was real and the beginning of something beautiful and permanent, I remember how everything felt like being pleasantly struck by lightning. One night at the drive in theater, we were sitting next to each other in separate camping chairs and he kept moving his hand closer and closer to mine inch by inch and when our pinkies finally bumped each other it was like I was alive for the first time, a shock spreading through my fingers and up my arm, seeping into my heart like hot mercury, heavy and strong.

我們一直維持著朋友的關(guān)系，所有的同學也都認為，我們最后會和Cory和Topanga一樣（電視劇《男孩成長記》主人公Cory和Topanga最終有情人終成眷屬，譯者注）走近婚姻的殿堂并保持現(xiàn)在的可愛一面。在我們11歲的時候，我們開始了正式的約會，但這種約會總是斷斷續(xù)續(xù)的，而且很純真無邪。終于，當我們上高中的時候，感覺彼此之間真的像發(fā)生了什么似的，好像，這是一件美好而永恒的事情的開始，在我印象中，一切都像被閃電擊中一樣令人愉快。在一個夜晚，我們在電影院里看電影，我們相互挨著坐在椅子上，當時，他的手一點點地在靠近我，并最終我們兩個人的小拇指碰到了一起。當時，我第一次找到了自己活著的感覺，一陣震感從我的手指蔓延到了我的手臂，就像滾燙的水銀，滲入到了我的心里，那種感覺沉重而有力。

The trouble with falling in love so completely - and so young - is that you don’t recognize when things are changing, even when they’re going terribly wrong. He started to seem discontent as time went on, like he was bored with only having me. He cheated on me a few times. He’d break up with me because he thought he had a chance with someone prettier or more popular than me. But he always knew - everyone always knew - that he’d come back to me. Inevitable, our friends called it. I tolerated it all because I loved him, because I believed he was my happy ending, because I was holding on to the lightning spark and that adorable kid who made me feel alive, when that boy had long since shed his cocoon and blossomed into a full-blown asshole butterfly.

然而，當事情發(fā)生變化，甚至變得非常糟糕的時候，那些深陷愛河的年輕人卻根本就沒有意識到問題的發(fā)生。隨著時間的推移，他開始變得有些不滿足，好像厭倦了只與擁有我一個人的感覺。他對我有過幾次不忠。他認為自己有機會找到比我更漂亮可愛的女人，于是便和我分手了。但是，他心里明白，所有人都明白，他最終會回到我的身邊。正像我們朋友所說，這就是一種必然。正是因為我愛著他，堅信他會給我一個快樂完美的結(jié)局，因為我一直在珍惜那個給我?guī)韾矍榛鸹ú⒆屛艺业交钪杏X的可愛男孩，即便那個男孩早已蛻繭成蝶。

When I went off to college we had broken up for a while (and I actually dated his best friend - that also ended terribly, but that’s a story for another day). Beginning of sophomore year we started talking again. Which, of course, led to dating again. I was 19 and he was 20, and he cheated on me. Again. But this time… with a 12 year old. I was horrified, of course, but I mostly just blamed myself for not being “enough” rather than facing the truth of what he was.

當我上大學的時候，我們分手了一段時間（這段時間我和他的最好朋友也約會過，但結(jié)果也很糟糕，當然，這是另外一個故事了）。在上大二的時候，我們倆又開始聯(lián)系了，然后開始繼續(xù)交往。當時我19歲，他20歲，然后，他再一次背叛了我。但這次他選擇的對象，是一名年僅12歲的女孩。我當時被嚇到了，然而，我主要還是在責怪自己，因為我沒有“準備好”去面對一個真正的他。

We had some more back and forth after that - and believe me, I’m deeply ashamed of that - but finally one night beneath the stars and under a cloud of berry wine and tequila, he begged for another chance. He pleaded. He called out, “Keisha Lynn, you know it’s always been you!”

在發(fā)生這次不忠之后，我們之間又分分合合數(shù)次——相信我，我對此表示非常愧疚。終于，在一個漫天繁星的夜晚，在一片如同漿果酒和龍舌蘭酒的云彩下，他再一次祈求我原諒他。他向我懇求，并說“凱沙·林恩，你知道，我的心里一直都是你?！?/b>

Lynn is not my middle name. This bastard had known me for nearly two decades at this point and he still couldn’t remember my damn middle name. Yes, I understand this is a terrible moment to finally snap. He had been crushing my soul, my sanity, my self-worth for years, had been hurting other girls in the process, and really, this was the straw that broke the camel’s back? Yep. I’m sorry to say that it was.

呵，可是，林恩根本就不是我的中間名。這個混蛋玩意認識我已經(jīng)二十年了，但仍然不記得我的中間名。是的，我終于意識到，這是一個很可怕的時刻。這么多年來，他一直在摧毀我的靈魂、我的理智和我的自我價值，在這期間，他也傷害了其他的女孩。這就是壓死駱駝的最后一根稻草嗎？是的，沒錯。

I lost it. I screamed for hours. I let out everything I’d been bottling up. Blamed him for all that he did to me. All that he did to everyone else. He cried. I told him how much I regretted the trust I had given him so very young, and that the only thing I wanted from him ever again in this life was a time machine so I could go back to 1994 and never speak to his sorry ass in the first place.

我失去了它，痛哭了好幾個小時，我把藏在心里的一切都說了出來，責備他對我所做的一切，以及他對別人所做的一切。他也哭了。我告訴他，自己信任他是多么的后悔和幼稚。而我這輩子最想做的事情，就是得到一臺時間機器，回到1994年，選擇一開始就不和他這個可憐的混蛋說話。

That last straw moment happened in July. The following February he began a prison sentence for child pornography.

壓死駱駝的最后一根稻草發(fā)生在七月份。在第二年的二月份，他因為兒童色情作品開始服刑。

The stories others have shared of their first love being their true love - those stories are beautiful and I’m so happy that you found such wonderful partnership on the first try. You are blessed! But I wanted to share my story of first love turned very toxic, because I know I’m not alone in hanging on to something for far, far too long.

在別人分享的初戀故事里，人們最終都成為了彼此的真愛——這些故事都很美妙，你們在第一次嘗試里就找到了如此美好的伴侶，我對此表示很高興。祝福你們！但是，我想分享的初戀故事很有毒，因為我明白，我并不是唯一在某件事上堅持很久的人。