如何讓孩子產(chǎn)生同理心？

3. Discussing how others feel. I talk to them often about how their actions (or others’ actions) might make other people feel. We have a lot of teaching moments every day, from when they recap their school days to me to when I tell them stories about work or when we see an interaction at the grocery store or schoolyard. They’ve asked me plainly about my feelings throughout the entire divorce, and I’ve been very honest with them. It’s been really good to be able to help them understand the emotions, especially when we talk about things like trust and how lying makes people feel. The side benefit is that they’re much better now about not lying (not perfect - still kids!), too. But it’s been really good for me, too, to talk to them about how their father’s affair partner and girlfriend probably feels. It forces me to be empathetic (even when I don’t want to be), and I think (I hope) it’s good for them to see me really trying, too.

討論別人的感受。我經(jīng)常和他們交流他們的行為（或其他人的行為）會(huì)給別人帶來(lái)什么樣的感受。我們每天都有很多時(shí)間來(lái)討論，從他們回顧他們的學(xué)校生活，到我給他們講工作故事，或是在雜貨店或?qū)W?？吹降氖虑?，無(wú)所不談。在我的整個(gè)離婚過(guò)程中，他們直截了當(dāng)?shù)卦?xún)問(wèn)我的感受，我對(duì)他們非常坦誠(chéng)。這在能夠幫助他們理解他人的感受這一點(diǎn)還是挺好的，尤其是當(dāng)我們談?wù)撔湃魏驼f(shuō)謊給人帶來(lái)的感受時(shí)。另一個(gè)好處是他們現(xiàn)在不再撒謊了（他們不完美，還是孩子）。但和他們討論他們父親的外遇和女朋友時(shí)我的感受，對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)也很好。這迫使我變得有同理心（即使我不想這樣），我認(rèn)為這對(duì)他們也有幫助。

4. Constantly pointing out similarities and creating bridges. I make it a point to talk everything out with them. When I get frustrated at an obnoxious driver in front of us, they’ll sometimes ask why I don’t honk or yell (gee, wonder where they see THAT modeling). I tell them that I try to only honk if it’s to help avoid an accident, and that I try really hard to be patient with people on the road because those people are people too, just like us. I tell them about how sometimes I still get really anxious driving in certain situations, and how much I appreciate drivers who are considerate of me or may let me and my big old van move into a lane when it’s crowded. I tell them how stressed it makes me if someone honks or yells at me. When they frx it that way, it helps them think about it. Having a brother with autism and having been around his sometimes intense meltdowns, my children automatically are much better about helping other kids in meltdowns. Sometimes, they may make a comment about that child being too old to throw a fit, and I remind them that people might think that about Marcus too, but that we know sometimes he can’t help it. We never know for sure what other people’s situations are like, but we have to keep focusing on how we’d want to be treated or want our brothers/sister/mother to be treated.

不斷指出事物之間的相似之處，建立連接的橋梁。我和他們無(wú)話(huà)不聊。當(dāng)我前面有一個(gè)討厭的司機(jī)，我對(duì)此感到難過(guò)的時(shí)候，他們有時(shí)會(huì)問(wèn)我為什么不按喇叭或大喊大叫（哎呀，不知道他們?cè)谀睦锟吹絼e人這么做的）。我告訴他們，我只會(huì)在為了避免事故發(fā)生的情況下才按喇叭，我也會(huì)努力對(duì)路上的人有耐心，因?yàn)樗麄兒臀覀円粯佣际侨?。我告訴他們，在某些情況下，有時(shí)我開(kāi)車(chē)也比較急躁，我非常感激那些為我著想的司機(jī)，也非常感謝那些即使在堵車(chē)的時(shí)候也能讓我的大貨車(chē)開(kāi)進(jìn)車(chē)道的司機(jī)。我告訴他們?nèi)绻腥藢?duì)我按喇叭或大喊大叫，這些行為會(huì)給我?guī)?lái)很大的壓力。當(dāng)學(xué)會(huì)這樣子想問(wèn)題的時(shí)候，就有助于他們思考。我有一個(gè)患有自閉癥的哥哥，有時(shí)他會(huì)經(jīng)歷很?chē)?yán)重的精神崩潰，我的孩子自然而然地能夠給其他處于崩潰中的孩子更好的幫助。有時(shí)，他們可能會(huì)評(píng)論那個(gè)孩子長(zhǎng)大了，不能再發(fā)脾氣了，我提醒他們，有時(shí)他也無(wú)能為力。我們永遠(yuǎn)不知道別人的處境如何，但我們可以設(shè)身處地的想，你希望別人怎么對(duì)你，或者對(duì)你的兄弟姐妹。

5. Helping them imagine themselves in someone else’s situation. Often, we’ll talk about how other people must feel when … and it really helps them. Now, I hear my kids tell me, So-and-so was left out on the playground and was yelling at the other kids, but I knew he probably just felt left out, so I went to play with him. I’m so proud of those moments. Or I’ll hear them say so-and-so had an accident today after lunch, and I think he was really embarrassed, and I told the other kids it wasn’t nice to laugh because it hurts people’s feelings. Sometimes, they just tell me about something that happened where they didn’t directly intervene or respond, and I’ll ask them about how that person must have felt and they can tell me, then, unprompted, will talk about how they want to respond next time. It’s not always fun to be reminded to think of others, but it’s really good for all of us. “Do you remember how it felt when …” is a good conversation starter for these things. Once they remember how they felt and can lix it to how others might feel, it really helps them bridge that gap better.

幫助他們換位思考。通常，我們會(huì)討論其他人在某種情境下的感受，這對(duì)他們很有幫助?，F(xiàn)在，我聽(tīng)到孩子們告訴我，某某被遺忘在操場(chǎng)上，沖著其他孩子大喊大叫，但我知道他可能只是覺(jué)得被冷落了，所以我去和他一起玩。我聽(tīng)到他們這么做，我感到驕傲。或者我會(huì)聽(tīng)到他們說(shuō)某某今天午飯后出了什么事情，我能想到出事的人真的很尷尬，我告訴其他的孩子嘲笑他是不對(duì)的，因?yàn)檫@會(huì)傷害別人的感情。有時(shí)候，他們只是告訴我一些他們沒(méi)有直接參與或回應(yīng)的事情，我會(huì)問(wèn)他們那個(gè)故事主角的感受，他們都可以告訴我，然后，在沒(méi)有提示的條件下，他們會(huì)討論下一次他們想如何回應(yīng)。提醒別人思考并不總是件有趣的事，但這樣做對(duì)我們大家都有好處?！澳氵€記得當(dāng)時(shí)的感覺(jué)嗎？”是一個(gè)很好的開(kāi)場(chǎng)白。一旦他們記住了自己的感受，并將其與其他人的感受放在一起思考，這確實(shí)有助于他們更好地縮小人與人之間的距離。

6. Showing them the benefits to themselves. We’re all humans and at some level, motivated to make life better for ourselves. I talk to my kids about the wide range of empathy and my expectations of them to be kind and respectful because, as my eight year old puts it, “That is how we are in Mommy’s family.” And he’s right. Part of what I did after the divorce was have a family meeting with my four kids and me, and we talked about what our new family would be like. We decided that our main rules were Be Kind and Respectful. Almost everything else was covered by those two things. But I also tell them about the benefits. We talk about how people who are kind and empathetic are nicer to be around. How generally this means they’ll have more friends and better friends. How being this way will help them in school, in life, and in their careers.

告訴他們這樣做的好處。我們都是人類(lèi)，在某種程度上，我們都是為了創(chuàng)造更美好的生活而奮斗。我和我的孩子們?cè)诟鱾€(gè)方面都談?wù)撏硇?，我告訴他們，我希望他們善良、尊重他人，因?yàn)檎缥?歲的孩子所說(shuō)，“我們?cè)趮寢尲揖褪沁@樣的。”他說(shuō)的對(duì)。離婚后，我和我的四個(gè)孩子開(kāi)了個(gè)家庭會(huì)議，我們討論了我們的新家庭會(huì)是什么樣子。我們共同決定我們的家規(guī)是是善良和尊重他人。這是指導(dǎo)其他事情的原則。但我也會(huì)告訴他們這樣做的好處。我們討論的是，和藹可親、富有同情心的人能夠和周?chē)娜烁玫南嗵帯Ｒ话銇?lái)說(shuō)這意味著他們會(huì)有更多更好的朋友。這樣做對(duì)他們的學(xué)習(xí)、生活和事業(yè)都有幫助。

7. Catching them doing it right. I don’t tie empathy or kindness to rewards (or even to punishments beyond a solemn discussion), but I do make sure I call them on it when I see it. When they model it to themselves and each other, just being noticed and praised is a reward in and of itself. I make sure they know how proud I am of them for working at it. Also, sometimes they don’t even realize that they’re employing empathy, so calling it out for them and their siblings helps reinforce the behaviors and make them not just instinctual but conscious at times, too. I think this is good — sometimes in life, we have to call on empathy beyond natural urges. I do this every time I have to talk to my children about their dad and his girlfriend — and I’m glad I do, but it’s hard and not as natural as inspiring empathy in them for a classmate. And I spell it out. I tell them the truth — sometimes it’s hard for me to consider X’s feelings and the struggles she is facing, but it’s the right thing to do, so I work on it. Reinforcing to them that it’s an active thing for everyone, not just children, is helpful. Now, my six and eight year olds sometimes will call ME on it and tell me that they’re proud of ME for thinking of X.

他們做對(duì)了的時(shí)候要表?yè)P(yáng)。我不會(huì)把同理心或善良與獎(jiǎng)勵(lì)甚至是嚴(yán)肅討論之后的懲罰聯(lián)系起來(lái)，但我能夠確保我看到他們這么做的時(shí)候，我會(huì)讓他們知道。當(dāng)他們以自己和彼此為榜樣時(shí)，被關(guān)注和表?yè)P(yáng)本身就是一種獎(jiǎng)勵(lì)。我確信他們知道我為他們所做的事情感到驕傲。而且，有時(shí)他們甚至沒(méi)有意識(shí)到他們運(yùn)用了同理心，所以指出他們和他們的兄弟姐妹做得好的地方可以讓他們?cè)絹?lái)越好，這一點(diǎn)可以讓他們不僅是出于本能做這些事情，有時(shí)也是有意識(shí)的。我認(rèn)為這很好。有時(shí)候在生活中，我們需要嘗試去理解我們不想理解的人。每次不得不和孩子們說(shuō)起他們的父親和他的女朋友時(shí)，我都會(huì)運(yùn)用同理心，我很高興這樣做了，雖然對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)這很難，也不像他們對(duì)同學(xué)的同情心那樣自然。我會(huì)和他們說(shuō)清楚。我告訴他們真相，有時(shí)我很難去考慮X的感受和她所面臨的掙扎，但我知道那樣做才是對(duì)的，所以我努力去做。向他們強(qiáng)調(diào)，這對(duì)每個(gè)人都是一件積極的事情，而不僅僅是孩子們，對(duì)每一個(gè)人都是有幫助的?，F(xiàn)在，我6歲和8歲的孩子有時(shí)會(huì)打電話(huà)給我，告訴我他們?yōu)槲覍?duì)X有同理心而感到驕傲。
原創(chuàng)翻譯：龍騰網(wǎng) http://www.top-shui.cn 轉(zhuǎn)載請(qǐng)注明出處

8. Discussing how empathy can help them control and focus their emotions. We talk a lot together about impulse control and how not to react in anger or retaliation. A big tool for this is telling them to stop, imagine how the other person is feeling, then imagine how the other person will feel if they (my children) go through with whatever it is they wanted to do. Then, imagine someone doing to them or someone else in our family. Like with the road rage example, I show them this in our own lives, too. When someone is rude to us at a store, I keep my calm, and later, tell the kids that I have to imagine that this person is rude because they’re really hurting inside or have been treated badly themselves all day. That when I am really hurting and may not be at my best, I want people to try to be patient with me. It helps — them and me.

討論同理心怎樣幫助他們控制和關(guān)注他們的情緒。我們一起討論了很多關(guān)于怎么樣控制沖動(dòng)以及如何在憤怒或報(bào)復(fù)中不做出反應(yīng)。一個(gè)重要的方法是告訴他們停下來(lái)，想象另一個(gè)人的感受，然后想象如果他們（我的孩子）做他們想做的事情，對(duì)方會(huì)有什么感受。然后，想象有人對(duì)他們或我們家的其他人這樣做。就像路怒癥的例子一樣，我也在我們自己的生活中向他們展示這一點(diǎn)。當(dāng)有人在商店里對(duì)我們無(wú)禮時(shí)，我會(huì)保持冷靜，然后告訴孩子們，我必須想象這個(gè)人是粗魯?shù)?，因?yàn)樗麄儍?nèi)心很受傷，或者自己一整天都受到不好的對(duì)待。當(dāng)我受傷了，并且我的狀態(tài)不好的時(shí)候，我希望人們對(duì)我有耐心。對(duì)他們和我都有幫助。
原創(chuàng)翻譯：龍騰網(wǎng) http://www.top-shui.cn 轉(zhuǎn)載請(qǐng)注明出處

9. Talking about when things go wrong … for me. I also think a really important part of parenting and empathy is understanding when things go wrong. I’m not perfect. I yell at my kids more than I’d like to. Sometimes, I’m frustrated or tired and I have to literally ask them to give me fifteen minutes where I don’t talk to them. I try really hard to explain how I’m feeling. When I yell, I try to go back later, even if it’s much later, if I’ve yelled in the morning on the way out the door, and tell them I’m sorry I yelled and explain what happened. I’ll tell them — I got frustrated because X, Y, or Z, and I lost my temper. I shouldn’t have yelled, because it wasn’t kind or respectful, but I’m human, and I got overwhelmed by my frustration/stress/whatever. This allows them to understand how I might be feeling, and it does, in fact, help them with their own behavior, but also teaches them how to go back with a genuine apology later when *they* lose their tempers. I’m not perfect — really far from it, and owning it and explaining things to them is the best thing I can do to try to help them learn how to curb their own sharp tendencies, too.
All of these things together form a constant conversation and modeling dance that goes on, well, forever. Your kids learn it over time with you and from you, but also from each other and the world at large. Teaching them early to recognize feelings, to react to them, and to learn to put themselves into others’ perspectives is invaluable, and, in my opinion, one of the most critical things parents can teach their children. I like to think that I’m doing okay with this, especially since it’s one of the most important things to me overall, but there’s always room for growth.

討論如果出現(xiàn)了問(wèn)題怎么辦？對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)。我也認(rèn)為養(yǎng)育孩子和培養(yǎng)同理心的一個(gè)重要部分就是如果出現(xiàn)了問(wèn)題時(shí)要互相理解。我不是完美的。我對(duì)我的孩子大喊大叫。有時(shí)候，我也會(huì)沮喪或疲憊，我會(huì)要求他們給我15分鐘的時(shí)間，讓我不和他們說(shuō)話(huà)冷靜下來(lái)，我盡力解釋我的感受。當(dāng)我沖孩子們大喊了之后，我也會(huì)盡量晚回家一點(diǎn)，如果我早上在出門(mén)的路上大喊大叫，我會(huì)給他們道歉，并解釋發(fā)生了什么事導(dǎo)致我大喊大叫。我會(huì)告訴他們，我因?yàn)閄，Y，Z非常沮喪，我發(fā)脾氣了。我不該大喊大叫的，因?yàn)檫@既不友善也不尊重人，但我也是一個(gè)普通人，我被挫折、壓力、其他很多事情都?jí)旱么贿^(guò)氣來(lái)。同理心讓他們能夠理解我的感受，事實(shí)上，這能夠幫助他們改善自己的行為，也教會(huì)了他們以后當(dāng)他們發(fā)脾氣的時(shí)候，如何真誠(chéng)的道歉。我不是完美的，離完美還有很遠(yuǎn)的距離，我盡我所能利用我的同理心和他們解釋?zhuān)瑤椭麄儗W(xué)會(huì)如何控制自己的脾氣。
所有這些東西都是由持續(xù)不斷的交流以及動(dòng)態(tài)的榜樣塑造出來(lái)的，好吧，隨著時(shí)間的推移，你的孩子會(huì)和你一起，也會(huì)從彼此以及整個(gè)世界中去學(xué)習(xí)同理心。早期教他們情感認(rèn)知，對(duì)情感作出反應(yīng)，學(xué)會(huì)從別人的角度考慮問(wèn)題，這些都是非常寶貴的，而且在我看來(lái)，這也是父母可以教給孩子的最重要的東西之一。我認(rèn)為我在這方面做得很好，這是對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)尤為重要的事情之一，但總的來(lái)說(shuō)還是有成長(zhǎng)的空間。

Jeremy Markeith Thompson, I leave family alone.

杰里米·馬基思·湯普森，我離開(kāi)了家獨(dú)自生活

As a child, my mother took me and my sisters to Knowledge Corner in Chicago. This man had created a nonprofit that worked with people at a church. Every Sunday after we went to Catholic Church in Chicago,we’d go to Knowledge Corner at a Baptist Church.
We were the only children at Knowledge Corner. The rest of the people were adults with substance abuse issues. We would eat food and listen to the adults talk about their lives.
I’ll never forget hearing this man talk about his victories with not drinking alcohol. He’d talk about walking down a street in Chicago, constantly being bombarded with alcohol and alcohol advertisements, being tempted, and finding the courage to only drink a soda pop. I always felt such sadness when listening to him speak. I always thought that he was being tortured by his environment.

小時(shí)候，母親帶我和我的姐妹們?nèi)ブゼ痈绲闹R(shí)角。有個(gè)人創(chuàng)建了一個(gè)非營(yíng)利組織，與教會(huì)的人一起工作。每個(gè)星期天我們?cè)谌チ酥ゼ痈绲奶熘鹘烫煤?，都?huì)去知識(shí)角。
我們是知識(shí)角里面唯一的小孩子。其余的人都是有毒品濫用問(wèn)題的成年人。我們邊吃東西邊聽(tīng)大人談?wù)撍麄兊纳睢?br /> 我永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)忘記這個(gè)人講述他拒絕酒精誘惑的成功經(jīng)歷。他講到當(dāng)他在芝加哥的街道上散步的時(shí)候，不斷受到酒和與酒有關(guān)的廣告轟炸，他被誘惑了，但最終找到了只喝一杯汽水的勇氣。聽(tīng)他講話(huà)時(shí)，我總是感到很悲傷。我一直以為他深受他所處環(huán)境折磨著。

Other people would talk about their recovery from addiction to drugs. They’d mention how they had a great job, spouse, children, and home before using drugs. I could feel the pain in their voice as they spoke about destroying their lives.
My mother made sure that we learned that life wasn’t only a bowl of cherries. She let us come into contact with seniors at the nursing home, homeless people, divorced people, homosexual people, people with mental health illnesses, people with developmental issues, people that lacked stable home environments, and people with so many other issues.
This helped build my empathy and understanding since being a child. I was never blind to the world that I inhabited. I think that it is very valuable to expose children to the world. They need to see that it’s more than just video games and cartoons.
I would suggest volunteering at a food bank, visiting a homeless shelter, meeting other children at a women’s shelter, and volunteering at an animal shelter.

其他人會(huì)講他們?cè)趺唇涠尽Ｋ麄儠?huì)提到他們?cè)谖厩皳碛泻霉ぷ?、好配偶、好孩子和一個(gè)好家庭的。當(dāng)他們談到自己毀了自己的生活時(shí)，我能感覺(jué)到他們聲音中的痛苦。
我媽媽讓我們明白了生活不僅僅只有好的一面。她讓我們接觸到養(yǎng)老院的老人、無(wú)家可歸的人、離婚的人、同性戀者、患有精神疾病的人、有發(fā)育問(wèn)題的人、缺乏穩(wěn)定的家庭環(huán)境的人以及其他許多問(wèn)題的人。
這些經(jīng)歷，有助于我從小就建立起同理心。我從未對(duì)我周?chē)氖虑橐暥灰?jiàn)。我認(rèn)為讓孩子們接觸這個(gè)世界是非常有價(jià)值的。他們需要看到的不僅僅是電子游戲和卡通。
我建議在食物銀行（為經(jīng)濟(jì)有困難的人提供暫時(shí)性的膳食支援）做志愿者，可以拜訪無(wú)家可歸者收容所，在婦女收容所和其他小孩子玩，在動(dòng)物收容所做志愿者。

Heather 'Harris'Smith, Music Teacher (2006-present)

海瑟哈里斯史密斯，音樂(lè)老師（2006年至今）

I think that intentionality and seizing your opportunities is the key here. When they are very young I often did the hurtful things back to them. If they hit me, I hold their hand and tell them no. If they do it again I say “ouch” and “cry.” They are usually tender hearted enough to get the picture at that point. If they bite me I would sometimes gently bite them back on the finger so they understand what they just did to me, making sure to say “see...... biting hurts. Don't bite. Ouch!”
When they get older and begin hurting with words you shift again. When things happen ask them how they feels. When you see bad things happen to others in movies model empathy by sharing your thoughts on how others might feel. Be honest and open about your own regrets and mistakes. Share when you have hurt others and express remorse.
You also have to really keep your eyes open for when they get “a dose of their own medicine” as well. Don't rub it in their faces. That never goes over well. First, truly empathize with them and how they feels. Use this a conversation point to be vulnerable and admit a mistake of your own or when you hurt someone in that way. This helps them drop their defenses. You can then use that to turn their attention to the effect of their own actions. When you hurt “so and so” did you want to hurt them? If so, why? If not, what emotional turmoil or distraction caused you to forget their feelings. Often the most hurt and damaged in life are the ones that do damage to others. They can even build empathy for those that hurt them because they, themselves hurt others.

我認(rèn)為這個(gè)問(wèn)題的關(guān)鍵是有意識(shí)的引導(dǎo)以及抓住機(jī)會(huì)。當(dāng)他們很小的時(shí)候，我會(huì)讓他們經(jīng)歷和我一樣的傷痛。如果他們打我，我會(huì)握著他們的手，告訴他們不要這么做。如果他們?cè)俅蛭?，我?huì)說(shuō)“哎喲”然后哭起來(lái)。他們通常都變得很溫柔，也能夠理解當(dāng)下的情景。如果他們咬我，我有時(shí)會(huì)輕輕地反咬他們的手指，讓他們明白他們剛才對(duì)我做了什么，一定要說(shuō)：你看，咬人很疼。不要咬人。哎喲！
當(dāng)他們長(zhǎng)大了之后，他們開(kāi)始用言語(yǔ)傷害的時(shí)候，就改變方式。當(dāng)事情發(fā)生時(shí)，問(wèn)問(wèn)他們的感受。當(dāng)你在電影中看到他人遭遇不幸時(shí)，你可以分享你對(duì)這件事情的看法，來(lái)樹(shù)立同理心。坦誠(chéng)面對(duì)自己的遺憾和錯(cuò)誤。當(dāng)你傷害了別人的時(shí)候，你需要給人家道歉并且表示你的懊悔。
等他們理解“以其人之道，還治其人之身”的時(shí)候，你要更加注意了，不要故意戳他人的痛處。這件事永遠(yuǎn)都不會(huì)有好的結(jié)果。首先，真正理解他們和他們的感受。你要利用這個(gè)要點(diǎn)，把自己置于低處，并且承認(rèn)自己的錯(cuò)誤，或者當(dāng)你用這種方式傷害了別人時(shí)。這有助于讓他人的注意力就會(huì)集中到他們自己的行為上。當(dāng)你傷害“某某”的時(shí)候，你想傷害他們嗎？如果是，為什么？如果不是，是什么情緒波動(dòng)或不集中注意力導(dǎo)致你忘記了他們的感受。生活中受傷程度最多的，往往是那些傷害他人的人。他們甚至可以對(duì)那些傷害他們的人產(chǎn)生同理心，因?yàn)樗麄冏约阂矀α藙e人。