笑話版：政治/民族/宗教類笑話若干則（下）
God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
譯文簡(jiǎn)介
有個(gè)牛仔騎著馬進(jìn)入小鎮(zhèn)，在一家酒館門(mén)口停了下來(lái)
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（來(lái)自笑話組）
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An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven
An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.
The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.
The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
《一個(gè)工程師陰差陽(yáng)錯(cuò)去了地獄而不是天堂》
一個(gè)工程師死后下了地獄。他又熱又難受，所以他決定采取行動(dòng)。那里的空調(diào)系統(tǒng)已經(jīng)壞了很久了，所以他把它修好了。于是很快就涼快下來(lái)了。
自動(dòng)人行道的馬達(dá)卡住了，所以他就清除了卡在那里的東西。人們從一個(gè)地方去往另一個(gè)地方也變得更容易了。
電視機(jī)有顆粒感，也不清晰，所以他修復(fù)了電視機(jī)和衛(wèi)星天線的接頭，現(xiàn)在他們可以收看到數(shù)百個(gè)高清晰度的頻道了。
The Devil replies, "Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer."
"What?? An engineer? I didn't send you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute."
The Devil responds, "No way! We are going to keep our engineer. We like this guy."
有一天，上帝決定俯看地獄，想看看他的大計(jì)劃進(jìn)行得怎么樣了，他注意到每個(gè)人都很快樂(lè)，還在那兒享受飾有小雨傘的飲料。他問(wèn)惡魔發(fā)生了什么事？
惡魔回答說(shuō)：“自從你把那個(gè)工程師送到我們這里之后，這里的情況就變得特別好了?！?br /> “什么？？一個(gè)工程師？我可沒(méi)有給你們送過(guò)這樣的人，一定是搞錯(cuò)了?，F(xiàn)在就給我把他送回去。”
惡魔回應(yīng)說(shuō)：“沒(méi)門(mén)兒！我們要留下我們的工程師。我們很喜歡這家伙?！?/b>
原創(chuàng)翻譯：龍騰網(wǎng) http://top-shui.cn 轉(zhuǎn)載請(qǐng)注明出處
The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
上帝強(qiáng)烈要求他照辦，說(shuō)：“如果你們不馬上把他送回我這里，我就去告你們！”
惡魔訕笑道，“那你準(zhǔn)備去哪里找律師呢？”
Make_the_music_stop
Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell. "Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"
"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."
撒旦到場(chǎng)了，他來(lái)歡迎一個(gè)新到地獄的靈魂，那人被判下了地獄?！肮材?！”，他說(shuō)，“你浪費(fèi)了你那可憐的一生！”
“好吧”，那人回答說(shuō)，“至少我不像你，都成年人了還住在你父親的地下室里?！?/b>
God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
上帝創(chuàng)造了狗，并說(shuō)，“整天坐在你家門(mén)口，對(duì)著任何進(jìn)來(lái)或走過(guò)的人吠叫。為此，我將給予你二十年的壽命?！?br /> 狗說(shuō)：“我得吠叫那么長(zhǎng)時(shí)間啊。只吠十年如何，我會(huì)把另外十年還給你的？”
于是上帝同意了。
上帝創(chuàng)造了猴子，并說(shuō)，“給人們帶去快樂(lè)，耍各種把戲逗他們笑。為此，我將給予你二十年的壽命?！?br /> 猴子說(shuō)：“耍二十年的把戲？這表演時(shí)間也太長(zhǎng)了吧。這樣如何，我會(huì)像狗那樣還給你十年？”
上帝又同意了。
上帝創(chuàng)造了牛，并說(shuō)，“你必須整天和農(nóng)夫一起下到田里去，在太陽(yáng)下受苦，生牛犢，擠牛奶，以此來(lái)養(yǎng)活農(nóng)夫的家人。為此，我將給予你六十年的壽命?！?br /> 牛說(shuō)：“這么艱苦的生活你想讓我過(guò)六十年。二十年如何，我會(huì)把另外四十年還給你？”
上帝再次同意了。
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
上帝創(chuàng)造了人，并說(shuō)，“去吃，睡，玩，結(jié)婚，享受生活吧。為此，我將給予你二十年的壽命?！?br /> 可人卻說(shuō)：“只有二十年？你能不能把我的二十年，牛還給你的四十年，猴子還給你的十年，狗還給你的十年統(tǒng)統(tǒng)給我，也就是八十年，行嗎？”
“行”，上帝說(shuō)，“這是你自找的?！?/b>
Life has now been explained to you.
所以，這就是為什么在我們的前二十年，我們吃、睡、玩、享受生活。在接下來(lái)的四十年里，我們?cè)谔?yáng)下拼死拼活，以此養(yǎng)活我們的家人。在接下來(lái)的十年里，我們會(huì)耍猴子的把戲來(lái)逗樂(lè)孫輩們。而最后的十年，我們會(huì)坐在前門(mén)廊上，對(duì)著每個(gè)人吠叫。
這番解釋你聽(tīng)明白了吧，這就是生活。
Conscious_Stick8344
Russian Spetsnaz/paratrooper joke:
If your main chute fails to deploy and your reserve chute doesn’t open,…
You still have about 20 seconds to learn how to fly.
俄羅斯阿爾法特種部隊(duì)/空降兵的笑話：
如果你的主傘沒(méi)能打開(kāi)，而你的備用傘也沒(méi)能打開(kāi)...
那你仍然有大約20秒的時(shí)間來(lái)學(xué)會(huì)飛行。
dead97531
A guy catches a golden fish, which says to him:
Let me go and I’ll fulfill your every wish!
The man answers:
I want to become a Hero of the Soviet unx!
He blxs and finds himself in a field holding two grenades, facing five tanks.
有個(gè)家伙抓到一條金魚(yú)，
金魚(yú)對(duì)他說(shuō)：放我走吧，我會(huì)滿足你所有的愿望！
這個(gè)男人回答說(shuō)：我想成為蘇聯(lián)英雄！
他眨了眨眼，發(fā)現(xiàn)自己置身于戰(zhàn)場(chǎng)，手里攥著兩顆手榴彈，正在和五輛坦克對(duì)決。
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.
As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.
有一個(gè)班的美國(guó)士兵正在伊拉克邊境巡邏，無(wú)意中發(fā)現(xiàn)了一具被嚴(yán)重碾壓過(guò)的死尸。
他們走近了些，發(fā)現(xiàn)是一名伊拉克士兵。他們沿著這條路前進(jìn)，沒(méi)走多遠(yuǎn)，又發(fā)現(xiàn)在路對(duì)面的溝里有一名被碾壓成重傷的美國(guó)士兵，已經(jīng)奄奄一息了。他們跑到他身邊，托住他那傷痕累累的頭，問(wèn)他發(fā)生了什么事。
原創(chuàng)翻譯：龍騰網(wǎng) http://top-shui.cn 轉(zhuǎn)載請(qǐng)注明出處
"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"
"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
“好吧”，他低聲說(shuō)，“當(dāng)時(shí)，武裝到牙齒的我走在這條路上，偶遇了這位全副武裝的伊拉克邊防軍。我直視他的眼睛，喊道：‘薩達(dá)姆·侯賽因就是個(gè)低能、愛(ài)騙人、滿口謊話的垃圾！’”
“他直視我的眼睛，大聲回敬道，‘喬治·W·布什也是一個(gè)低能、愛(ài)騙人、滿口謊話的垃圾！’”
“于是我們就站在那里握起了手，就在這時(shí)那輛卡車(chē)撞上了我們。”
Italian Girl
An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.
He laughs and says, “An Italian girl!”
一個(gè)美國(guó)女人去意大利出差，她問(wèn)丈夫想要什么她可以給他帶回來(lái)。
他笑著說(shuō)，“一個(gè)意大利女孩！”
“Very good,” she replies.
“And did you bring something home for me?”
“Something, did I forget?” she asks.
“The Italian girl I asked for,” he replies jokingly.
“Oh, that,” she says. “Well, I did what I could. Now we just have to wait five months to see if it’s a girl.”
等到她回國(guó)，他去機(jī)場(chǎng)接她，然后問(wèn)道，“親愛(ài)的，這次旅行如何?。俊?br /> “非常棒”，她回答說(shuō)。
“那你有沒(méi)有給我?guī)c(diǎn)什么回家？”
“什么東西，是我忘了嗎？”，她問(wèn)道。
“我要你帶的那個(gè)意大利女孩啊”，他開(kāi)玩笑地回答說(shuō)。
“哦，那個(gè)啊”，她說(shuō)?！昂冒桑冶M力了?，F(xiàn)在我們只須等待五個(gè)月，就能知道TA是不是女孩了?！?br /> （評(píng)論區(qū)）
Waitsfornoone
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
有個(gè)男人和一個(gè)意大利女人陷入了婚外情，持續(xù)好幾年了。有天晚上，她對(duì)他講出了真心話，說(shuō)她懷孕了。
原創(chuàng)翻譯：龍騰網(wǎng) http://top-shui.cn 轉(zhuǎn)載請(qǐng)注明出處
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
他不想毀掉自己的名聲和婚姻，所以他給了她一大筆錢(qián)，前提是她愿意回意大利秘密地生下這個(gè)孩子。如果她能留在意大利并撫養(yǎng)這個(gè)孩子，他也愿意繼續(xù)提供孩子的撫養(yǎng)費(fèi)，直到這個(gè)孩子年滿十八歲。
她同意了，但她問(wèn)他，他準(zhǔn)備用何種方法得知孩子的出生時(shí)間。為掩人耳目，他要求她到時(shí)候給他寄一張明信片就行，要在背面寫(xiě)上“意大利面”。之后他就會(huì)安排好諸般事宜，并開(kāi)始支付孩子的撫養(yǎng)費(fèi)。
'Oh, really? Let me see...', he said. The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
大約九個(gè)月后的某一天，他回到家，發(fā)現(xiàn)他的妻子陷入了困惑?！坝H愛(ài)的”，她說(shuō)，“你今天收到了一張非常奇怪的明信片”。
“哦？真的嗎？讓我瞧瞧...”，他說(shuō)。他妻子把明信片遞給了他，然后眼看著她丈夫在讀卡片的時(shí)候臉色一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)蒼白下去，最后暈倒了。
卡片上這樣寫(xiě)著：“意大利面，意大利面，意大利面。兩份是帶肉丸的，還有一份是不帶的。多送點(diǎn)醬。”
One of my coworkers knocked up a German bartender while we were over there on business like 5 years ago, while he was engaged at the time. His fiancee broke off the engagement, he moved the German girl over here, she had triplets. Her widowed mom met our boss at their wedding and those two are married too now. They've had two more kids since. Live down the road from me in this monster of a 6k sq ft Bavarian style house with like a 3 acre yard that there are always like 10 kids running around. She's a YouTuber/Instagram influencer now... Think him knocking a girl up in an affair on an out of country business trip is the best thing to ever happen to either of them.
大約五年前，我一同事在和我出差時(shí)，把當(dāng)?shù)氐囊粋€(gè)德國(guó)酒保的肚子給搞大了，當(dāng)時(shí)他都訂婚了。于是他的未婚妻就解除了婚約，他把那個(gè)德國(guó)女孩接來(lái)了我們這里，她懷著三胞胎。而她那位寡居的母親在她們的婚禮上碰到了我們的老板，這兩位現(xiàn)在也已經(jīng)結(jié)婚了。后來(lái)又生了兩個(gè)孩子。他們的住處就在我這條路上不遠(yuǎn)的地方，住在一棟賊大的巴伐利亞風(fēng)格的房子里，有六千平方英尺（合557平米）呢，帶一個(gè)3英畝（約合1.2萬(wàn)平米）大的院子，總是有十個(gè)左右的孩子在那里奔來(lái)跑去。她現(xiàn)在成了一位油管/Instagram網(wǎng)紅...我認(rèn)為，在跨國(guó)出差期間和一個(gè)女孩發(fā)生婚外情還把人家肚子搞大，是發(fā)生在他們兩個(gè)人身上的最美好的事情了。
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
有個(gè)牛仔騎著馬進(jìn)入小鎮(zhèn)，在一家酒館門(mén)口停了下來(lái)，他想喝杯酒。不幸的是，當(dāng)?shù)厝艘恢倍加凶脚吧说牧?xí)慣，而他就是這樣的陌生人。
他喝完酒后發(fā)現(xiàn)他的馬被偷了。于是他回到酒吧，很是靈巧地把他的手槍擲入空中，眼睛看都不看就在自己的腦袋上抓住了它，然后朝天花板開(kāi)了一槍。
“是哪個(gè)狡猾之徒偷了我的馬？”，他以驚人的威勢(shì)大喊到。
沒(méi)有人接茬。
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
“好吧，我會(huì)再喝一杯啤酒，要是等我喝完我的馬還沒(méi)有回到店門(mén)外，我可就要干我在德克薩斯干過(guò)的那件事了！我被逼無(wú)奈在德克薩斯干出的那檔子事兒可不是我喜歡的！”
有一部分當(dāng)?shù)厝俗⒉话?，出現(xiàn)了一陣騷動(dòng)。那人果然沒(méi)有食言，又喝了一杯啤酒，走出門(mén)外，他的馬已經(jīng)回到了原來(lái)那根拴馬柱旁。他套上馬鞍，準(zhǔn)備騎馬離開(kāi)這個(gè)小鎮(zhèn)。
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
酒保在酒吧外徘徊，問(wèn)道：“在你離開(kāi)前跟我說(shuō)說(shuō)吧，伙計(jì)...在德克薩斯到底發(fā)生了什么事？”
牛仔回過(guò)頭來(lái)，說(shuō)：“當(dāng)時(shí)我不得不步行回家?！?/b>
原創(chuàng)翻譯：龍騰網(wǎng) http://top-shui.cn 轉(zhuǎn)載請(qǐng)注明出處
u/YZXFILE
A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century
The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:
來(lái)自十四世紀(jì)的一個(gè)葷笑話
這個(gè)笑話出自埃諾（比利時(shí)）的讓·德·康德伯爵，他生于1275年：
The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress when you hold her naked in your arms. For your beard is little more than the kind of fuzz that ladies have in certain places, and it is easy to tell from the state of the hay whether the pitchfork is any good."
女王和她的隨從正在庭院里玩講真話的游戲。女王問(wèn)一個(gè)騎士是否已為人父，他被迫承認(rèn)自己沒(méi)有孩子。
女王贊許地點(diǎn)了點(diǎn)頭，說(shuō)：“當(dāng)你把你那一絲不掛的夫人抱在懷里時(shí)，你都沒(méi)有個(gè)男人樣子，這樣是沒(méi)法取悅她的。因?yàn)槟愕暮?，只比女士們特定部位的那種絨毛多出一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)，而且從干草的狀態(tài)中很容易就能看出干草叉好不好用?！?/b>
輪到騎士提問(wèn)時(shí)，他說(shuō)，“女士，請(qǐng)老老實(shí)實(shí)地回答我。你的兩腿之間有毛嗎？” 當(dāng)她回答說(shuō)“完全沒(méi)有”時(shí)，他發(fā)表了如下的評(píng)論：
“我是真的相信你的話，因?yàn)楸磺俗呷f(wàn)人踏的路是不會(huì)長(zhǎng)草的?！?br /> （評(píng)論區(qū)）
Off with his head, both of them
然后他就被砍了頭，兩個(gè)人都被砍了頭
u/Rabbit__King
As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
一個(gè)屠夫在呵斥一條狗，試圖把它從他店里趕走，這時(shí)他看到狗嘴里叼著一張10美元的鈔票以及一張紙條，上面寫(xiě)著：“請(qǐng)給我五塊羊排”。
驚訝不已的他接過(guò)錢(qián)，把一袋羊排掛進(jìn)狗嘴里，然后迅速關(guān)了店。
他跟著那條狗，看著它等綠燈，看著它左顧右盼然后小跑著穿過(guò)馬路，來(lái)到一個(gè)公共汽車(chē)站。那狗查看了時(shí)間表，然后坐在長(zhǎng)椅上。當(dāng)一輛公交車(chē)到站時(shí)，它繞到車(chē)前方，看了看車(chē)的號(hào)碼，然后登上了這輛車(chē)。屠夫跟在后面，目瞪口呆。當(dāng)公交車(chē)駛?cè)虢紖^(qū)時(shí)，狗還欣賞起風(fēng)景來(lái)了。過(guò)了一會(huì)兒，它直立起來(lái)用前爪按下了“停車(chē)”鈴，然后屠夫跟著它下了車(chē)。那狗跑到一棟房子前，把那包羊排扔在臺(tái)階上。它跑回小路上，然后又高速跑過(guò)來(lái)，然后“砰”的一聲飛身撞在了門(mén)上。它一次又一次地這樣做。一直得不過(guò)回應(yīng)。于是它跳上了墻，繞著花園走來(lái)走去，用頭敲窗戶，然后又跳下來(lái)，等在了前門(mén)口。一個(gè)大塊頭打了門(mén)，然后開(kāi)始對(duì)著狗罵罵咧咧。
屠夫跑上前去，對(duì)那個(gè)家伙大喊?！澳鉚MD在干什么？這狗可是個(gè)天才！” 主人回答說(shuō)，“天才你妹...這是它這周第二次忘記帶鑰匙了！”
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原創(chuàng)翻譯：龍騰網(wǎng) http://top-shui.cn 轉(zhuǎn)載請(qǐng)注明出處
Funny enough there are street dogs in moscow which have learned to use the subway to travel from the part of town they live in, to their "place of work" in the inner city.
They recognise the announcments and leave at their destination, they found ways to exploit certain weaknesses of "the system", by sending the cutest dog to beg for food and share with the rest of the pack. They also scare people, who just bought food, by barking so they might drop the food and leave it for the dogs.
有趣的是，在莫斯科，有些流浪狗已經(jīng)學(xué)會(huì)了搭乘地鐵從它們住的地方去往它們?cè)趦?nèi)城的“工作地”。
它們能聽(tīng)懂（地鐵）廣播并在到達(dá)目的地時(shí)下車(chē)，它們找到了利用某些特定“系統(tǒng)”弱點(diǎn)的方法，方法就是派出最可愛(ài)的狗狗去乞討食物，然后再和狗群中的其他成員分享。它們還通過(guò)吠叫來(lái)嚇唬剛買(mǎi)到食物的人，這樣他們就可能會(huì)放下食物，將其留給狗。
他們學(xué)會(huì)花錢(qián)只是個(gè)時(shí)間問(wèn)題，然后我們就會(huì)看到，狗中龍鳳們管理起了這個(gè)狗咬狗的經(jīng)濟(jì)體。