哪些事情我們都假裝自己沒做過，但實際上我們都知道所有人都做過？
What''s something we all just pretend no one does, but in truth we know we all do it?
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正文翻譯
What's something we all just pretend no one does, but in truth we know we all do it?
哪些事情我們都假裝自己沒做過，但實際上我們都知道所有人都做過？
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Fart in public.
在公共場合放屁。
幾個月之前的一天我正在家得寶里買東西，沿著過道走的時候，另一個兄弟沿著同一個過道正朝我走過來。在我意識到我會路過他經(jīng)過的地方的時候，他對我說的原話：“我剛才在那邊差點把自己的屎給放出來，你最好先等一分鐘再過去……”
我這輩子從來沒對一個陌生人如此感激過。那才是真正的為你的同胞著想！畢竟我們都曾經(jīng)毫無準(zhǔn)備地走進過別人的屁里……或是讓別人走進過我們放的屁里……
10 years ago my boyfriend and I had just started dating and we decided to take a trip together. We were late to get on our flight so i ended up sitting in front of him instead of next to him. As we taking off I feel my stomach rumble and realize I’m going to have a bad case of the altitoots. I proceed to blow ass almost the entire flight. As soon as we get off the plane my BF starts complaining about how someone farted the entire flight. He was so mad and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it was me. Instead I waited to tell him that secret on our one year anniversary. We had a good laugh about it.
10年前我和我男朋友剛開始談戀愛，我們決定一起去旅行。我們上飛機晚了，所以我最后坐到了他前面，而不是他旁邊。我們起飛自后，我就感覺我的肚子里一陣翻江倒海，我意識到自己可能要經(jīng)歷一次嚴(yán)重的高海拔排氣。結(jié)果我整趟飛機都在放屁。等到我們剛一下飛機，我男朋友就開始跟我抱怨有人在飛機上從頭放到尾。他氣得厲害，而且我也沒敢告訴他當(dāng)時是我放的。于是我等到一周年紀(jì)念日那天才跟他講起這件事。我們笑得很開心。
Making up fake scenarios in our head.
在頭腦里編造不存在的情況。
I have literally cried over scenarios that weren’t real.
我曾經(jīng)為那些自己編出來的情況哭過。
When you go into an isle in the grocery store and you see someone in front of the obxt you’re looking for so you pretend you’re getting something else all while hovering near them waiting for them to leave that area so you can get said obxt.
你在超市里走進一條過道，看見有人正好站在你想要拿的那個東西前面，于是你假裝要去拿別的東西，而一直在他旁邊轉(zhuǎn)悠，等他走了，你再過去拿你想要的東西。
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“It is not the picking of the nose that separates us, but what comes after”
“決定我們之間不同的，不是挖不挖鼻屎，而是挖完了怎么辦?！?/b>
我爸，2015年說的
A. Eat it
A 吃了
B 抹到面巾紙上
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C 蹭到最近的沒露在外面的表面上
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D 彈彈手指，讓宇宙決定它的命運
When I was a kid/teenager I was D. Till one day I noticed there was a lot of something weird on my bedroom door next to my computer desk. "What is this stuff? OH MY GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE?"
在我還小的時候我是D。直到有一天我發(fā)現(xiàn)挨著我電腦桌的那扇臥室門上面有一堆奇怪的東西?！斑@是啥？我滴媽耶！我都干了些什么？”
That feeling when you finally flick the sticky booger off your finger after 7 tries
那種試了七次之后終于把黏糊糊的鼻屎彈出去的感覺。
Realize later it's still stuck to you
過了一會兒才發(fā)現(xiàn)還粘在你的手指上。
There's two types of people in this world. Nose pickers and liars.
世界上有兩種人。一種人挖過鼻屎，另一種人是騙子。
Procrastination!
拖延！
I was going to say that, but I waited too long.
我本來也想說這個，但我等太久了。
Procrastination is worse when you're consciously doing it. I love just vibing and watching YouTube, but then I start thinking 'I need to do (thing), I should get up.' Then I don't get up, and I'm constantly thinking for the next couple hours that I need to do (thing), but I'm just consciously procrastinating.
當(dāng)你在有意識地拖延的時候，拖延的感覺更糟糕。我喜歡放松下來看YouTube的感覺，但是當(dāng)我開始想起“我還得做（事情），我得趕緊起來”的時候，我不會起來，我在接下來的幾個小時里都會想我得做的這件事情，但我只不過是在有意識地拖延罷了。
在網(wǎng)飛上一口氣看完一整部劇比任何事情給我的壓力都大，因為我會想我應(yīng)該趕快完成明天要交的作業(yè)。
事實上現(xiàn)在仔細(xì)想想，我還有一篇小論文要寫，但我卻在刷reddit，當(dāng)一個效率低下的笨蛋。
I won a trophy for procrastination a couple years ago in college. Still need to pick the thing up.
我?guī)啄昵霸诖髮W(xué)里贏過拖延癥的獎杯。還沒回去取呢。
If you wait till the last minute, it only takes a minute.
如果你等到最后一分鐘再去做，那這件事就只需要你做一分鐘。
You know procrastination has a lot in common with masturbation, it feels awfully good until you realize you just fucked your self.
你們都知道拖延和手淫之間有很多共同點。當(dāng)時感覺都特別棒，事后才發(fā)現(xiàn)你剛把自己搞砸了。
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Convincing yourself in your head that everyone around you is doing things perfectly and at full efficiency and expect the same of the people around them.
在腦子里讓自己相信身邊的所有人都在以最高的效率完美地做好各種事情，并且他們希望他們身邊的所有人也能做到這一點。
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不是嗎？只有我嗎？
Ah, perfectionism. I know it well.
啊，完美主義。我太懂了。
我的心理醫(yī)生告訴我，世界上有三種完美主義。一種是要求你自己，一種是要求其他人，一種是你認(rèn)為其他人在要求你。
最后一種的傷害特別大，并且很多很多時候都并非如此。
I have a meeting with my supervisor in a few hours and I've been fretting over the fact I don't feel like I've made anywhere near as much progress on my research as I feel like I should've over the past couple of weeks.
我過幾個小時就要跟導(dǎo)師開會了，我一直因為感覺自己過去幾個星期沒有在研究方面取得我應(yīng)該取得的足夠的進步而恐慌。
這句話讓我感覺好多了。
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Is this me? I had to do a presentation to my lab group about my research progress. I though my Powerpoint was vague and I havent done enough at that point.
這說的是我嗎？我之前得給實驗室的團隊做一次進度匯報展示。我以為我的PPT做得很空，我當(dāng)時做的東西也不夠多。
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結(jié)果我的導(dǎo)師很喜歡我做的展示，以及我取得的成果。
到現(xiàn)在為止這種事情已經(jīng)發(fā)生過至少兩次了。
assume you are "above average" intelligence
覺得你的智力水平“超過平均水平”。
I usually assume I'm either the most galaxy brained human to have ever lived or a complete dumbass, it really depends on the day and on what I'm doing
我通常會認(rèn)為自己要么是人類有史以來最為絕頂聰明的一號人物，要么是個徹頭徹尾的蠢逼，具體取決于那天是什么日子以及我當(dāng)時在干什么。
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Just about everyone has an area they're above average in, but nobody can check all the boxes. And since we tend to stay in our little niche, it gives us a warped perception, since we're typically only doing the things we're good at.
基本上所有人都在某一個領(lǐng)域擁有超過平均水平的能力，但沒人能在所有領(lǐng)域都打上勾。并且我們通常都傾向于呆在我們小小的特長范圍內(nèi)，這就會給我們一種扭曲的認(rèn)知，因為我們基本上只會做自己擅長的事情。
I had the best moment the other day.
我前幾天遇到過特別搞笑的一件事。
跟朋友們打游戲，有人在語音里說，“噢！他的昵稱是“莫羅斯土豆”，不是“摩爾斯土豆”。我明白了?！?/b>
于是聰明如我就突然在語音里大喊，“‘摩爾斯土豆’是個什么玩意兒?。侩y道上面有點兒可以讓盲人讀嗎？”
于是語音里的另一個兄弟回了一句，“Yoshi那他媽是盲文你個弱智?！?/b>
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我們都樂了好久。
Making up conversations in my head before something important. Like I will say this and then the response from other person might be this.. sometimes it can go for 10-15 min before I snap back to reality.
在重要的對話發(fā)生之前先把對話在自己腦子里排練一邊。比如我要說這句話，然后另一個人的回復(fù)可能是這句話……有時可能會進行10-15分鐘，我才能回到現(xiàn)實中來。
Especially arguments. I can have both sides of an argument with someone all by myself in my own head.
尤其是爭論。我可以在自己的腦子里扮演爭論的雙方。
Winning fake arguments in your head.
在腦子里贏得一場辯論。
Hey, it’s better than LOSING a fake argument in your head
嘿，總比在腦子里輸?shù)粢粓鲛q論要好。
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I lose arguments in my head all the time. It helps me rethink my perspective.
我總是會輸?shù)粼谀X子里的辯論。這可以讓我重新審視我的立場。
Picking your nose and finding that root boog that feels like it's attached to the base of the brain.
挖鼻屎的時候找到那塊最深的，感覺就好像粘在大腦底下一樣。
One of the best feelings in the world
世界上最棒的感覺之一
And when pulling it out it feels like you're unraveling your brain. So satisfying
把它拔出來的時候你會感覺好像在解開大腦打的結(jié)。太滿足了。
Scratching your crotch.
撓褲襠。
Intrusive thoughts that make us question whether we're secretly psychopaths.
入侵進大腦的想法，讓我們質(zhì)疑自己是否其實是個心里變態(tài)。
Everybody has those. Right? RIGHT?!?
所有人都有。對吧？對吧？！
Our brains are association machines. It’s not a big deal. It just means we see the possibilities.
我們的腦子是聯(lián)想的機器。所以沒什么大不了的。只不過意味著我們能看見這些可能性而已。
It just so happens that the possibilities include abhorrent acts like murder
只不過這些可能性碰巧包括了謀殺等慘無人道的行為。
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Friend "Check out my new knife!!!"
朋友：“看看我買的新刀子！”
我，腦子里：“捅啊捅啊捅死他蕪呼呼！?。?！”
When I was in high school and a teacher was talking to me I had intrusive thoughts of spitting on them. I constantly wondered what was wrong with me. I realized later it was anxiety making up things to mess with me just for funsies.
我上高中的時候，有一個老師在跟我說話，我當(dāng)時就忽然想對她吐痰。我一直在納悶我到底出什么問題了。后來才知道是焦慮把我的思維弄得一團糟。
I don't even remember who it was but there was a nice old lady in my life for a while, and all I can remember about her now is how badly I wanted to punch her in the head. Like just bury my fist in her skull.
我甚至不記得這個人是誰了，我只記得我的人生中曾經(jīng)有這么個很善良的老太太，但我對她留下的唯一記憶就只有我特別想給她腦袋來一拳。把整個拳頭都埋進她的顱骨里的那種程度。
那個老太太跟我有過很棒的關(guān)系，并且我對她根本沒有惡意，也沒有隱藏的不喜歡。
就這個，另外就是想要在高速公路上像GTA里那樣攔別人的車。
Judge other people
對別人評頭論足
Recently I had to insist that my wife knocks loudly and waits before opening my son’s bedroom door. I really had to explain why FFS! I know he’s constantly jacking off, but he would be mortified if anyone knew, especially his parents.
最近我得一直勸我老婆，一定要在進我兒子的房間門之前先大聲敲門，然后等一等。我他媽竟然真的得跟她解釋為什么!我知道我兒子經(jīng)常在擼管，但要是有人真的知道，尤其是他父母知道了的話，他就要無地自容了。
me and my brother shared a room in high school, and so we could only ever do it in the shower or on the toilet. my dad caught on but my mom never really did, and would get incredibly mad when we would spend 30 minutes 'going to the bathroom'. after countless events of her knocking on the door and yelling "whats taking you so long? come on out!" every five minutes, by brother eventually got fed up and yelled back "SHUT UP MOM IM MASTURBATING". she didnt do it anymore after that
我和我哥哥高中的時候睡一間屋子，所以我們只有在洗澡或者上廁所的時候才能沖一發(fā)。我爸早就懂了，但我媽從來都不懂，所以每次我們花三十分鐘“上廁所”的時候我媽都特別生氣。在她無數(shù)次敲門，每隔五分鐘喊一次“你干什么呢花那么久？趕緊出來！”之后，我哥終于實在受不了了，回了一句“閉嘴老媽我在擼管”。此后她再也沒敲過門了。
I was hanging out late at my brother's house when his sons were 13 and 15 but also shared a bedroom. The kids had all showered, gone to bed, then the bedroom door opens and the 15yo heads into the bathroom. My brother says, "I just don't get that boy. Seems like every night he takes a shower, goes to bed,, then gets up and takes a 20 minute shit.
我有一天去我哥家過夜，他的兩個兒子一個13一個15，也住同一間臥室。孩子們都洗完了澡，去上床了，然后臥室門開了，15歲的那個去了洗手間。我哥說，“我真搞不懂那孩子。好像每天晚上他都洗個澡，去上床，然后起床拉20分鐘的屎?！?/b>
知道今天我還是不知道，他到底是在有意地裝不知道，還是在開很低級的玩笑?？赡芩娴耐饲啻浩谀泻⑹鞘裁锤杏X。
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Does it take 20 mins for a teenage boy to jack off? Kid might actually be shitting.
青春期的男孩要花20分鐘的時間擼一管嗎？孩子可能真的是去拉屎了。
Between setting up the mood, choosing your favourite video/photos of whoever and what not, yeah I think 20 min is a good time window.
進入合適的情緒，選擇你最喜歡的某個人的照片或者視頻，沒錯我覺得20分鐘是個合適的時間窗口。
Takes a while sometimes to read the source material and familiarise yourself with the lore and better appreciate the adaptation.
有時你得花點時間去閱讀原材料，讓自己熟悉背景故事，從而更好地欣賞改編作品。
When my nephew was a teen, he'd take like 3-4 showers a day. I just pretended I had no clue why... =p
我外甥青春期的時候，每天要洗三四次澡。我只能假裝我根本不知道為什么……
I did too, but because I was a stinky teen and knew it, not because I was jacking it :(
我之前也是，但那是因為我是個臭氣哄哄的大男孩并且我知道這一點，而不是我在里頭獎勵自己
That and shower time was thinking time for me. Now I'm mortified that my parents thought I was jacking off.
沒錯，而且洗澡的時間對我來說是思考的時間，現(xiàn)在一想到我父母會以為我是在里面打飛機，我就腳趾摳地。
Reading comments/texts multiple times after sending/posting them. Just to let the fact that you’re a modern day Shakespeare settle in
在發(fā)送或發(fā)布評論或消息之后重新讀好幾遍。只是為了讓你徹底接受自己就是當(dāng)代莎士比亞這個事實。
The amount of time I spend looking at my own posts/messages and pretend that I'm an outsider looking in is embarrassing
我在看自己的帖子和信息，假裝我是個點進來的用戶再讀一遍上花的時間讓我覺得尷尬。
Or reading back over your Reddit comments to revisit the pride you got from a particularly clever one
或者重新讀一遍你的reddit評論，再次感受之前抖過的最牛逼的機靈給你帶來的驕傲。
Fantasize about doing something/someone you shouldn't
幻想去做一些你不該做的人或事。
“Man I could just jump off this building couldn’t I “
“我說我好像真的可以從這棟樓上跳下去對不對”
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不我的大腦，咱可不想死，但你說得對從技術(shù)上講我們確實做得到就是了。
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I: Driving home in a good mood, looking forward to dinner.
我：帶著好心情開車回家，期待著晚上的大餐。
我的大腦：你其實可以直接把車子開上人行道把那些人都碾死。
算啦，那樣晚餐就吹了。先當(dāng)一會兒正常人好不好。
Sometimes it baffles me how easy it is to throw our lives away.
有時候我會想不明白，我們毀掉自己的人生竟然是這么容易的一件事。
I had this intrusive thought this morning. Driving in to work, and some major interstates are under construction, with one of the main highways that dumps into the city being reduced to two lanes. I thought: "If you do it right, you could wreck with that car next to you and completely shut down traffic into downtown. Sure, you might die and kill the other person, but this one, quick, mindless action could significantly impact this entire city. How... interesting."
我今早就有過這種想法。開著車去上班，有個洲際高速路在施工，導(dǎo)致一條通往城市的主干道只有兩條車道可以走。我當(dāng)時想，“要是你干的利索，你就可以把旁邊那輛車撞報廢，從而徹底堵死前往市中心的道路。對，你確實可能會死，也可能會把那個人也弄死，但這種迅速，無腦的行為只要做一下，就能對整座城市造成極為重要的影響。真……有趣?！?/b>
“Significantly impact this entire city”
引用：“對整座城市造成極為重要的影響”
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我覺得我們這個社會應(yīng)該更加重視這種想法。我覺得人們做出的很多沖動的“瘋狂”的決定，都是因為他們覺得自己不過是巨大機器中的一個小齒輪，他們因此覺得很無力。于是有時會出現(xiàn)這種對周邊環(huán)境造成沖擊的迫切欲望，有時甚至用很瘋狂的方式，只是為了感到對這個世界和個人生活的控制感。
兄弟你用不著為了影響什么而把整座城市給堵上。我已經(jīng)聽見你了。你是個重要的人，并且你已經(jīng)對我產(chǎn)生了影響——如果這對你有任何價值的話。
That was weirdly encouraging, and I appreciate it
這聽起來竟然挺鼓勵人的，我很感激。
Read messages from the notification bar then pretending you didn't see the message only much later.
看一眼通知欄的消息，然后假裝你好久之后才看見這條消息。
原創(chuàng)翻譯：龍騰網(wǎng) http://www.top-shui.cn 轉(zhuǎn)載請注明出處
I occasionally turn off my Wi-Fi and data, read the message, close the app and then turn data/Wi-Fi back on. It seems to work.
我偶爾會先關(guān)掉我的wifi和數(shù)據(jù)流量，然后看一眼那條消息，再關(guān)掉app，最后再把數(shù)據(jù)流量或是wifi打開。好像管用。
I gotta ask, at that point, why not turn off read receipts?
我想問問，都做到這個地步了，為什么不直接把已讀通知關(guān)掉呢？
I like seeing when others have read my messages. I just don’t like them seeing when I do. Sometimes I’m a giant hypocrite.
我喜歡看見別人已讀我的信息的時候，但是我不喜歡別人看見我。有時候我確實是個要命的偽君子。
I read the messages and reply when i can or want to.
我只有在可以或者想要的時候，才會閱讀并回復(fù)消息。
某種程度上，我的手機已經(jīng)變成了給除了我以外的所有人都帶來方便的設(shè)備，我要把它奪回來。
I really wish I didn't have to do this. We all live busy lives. Unless its an emergency that message can generally wait. It's not a slight against them, I'm leaving it unread because I want to get back to them and don't want to lose the message, but life doesn't stop because they decided to text
我真希望我不用做這種事。我們的生活都非常忙碌。所以除非是緊急情況，否則這種消息都是可以等的。又不是在刻意忽視他們，我未讀是因為我晚點會在回來看，我不想找不到那條消息，但是我的生活不會因為他們決定給我發(fā)條短信就停下來。
Deliberately delay responses to text messages and e-mails, even though it would be convenient to reply.
故意拖延回復(fù)短信和電子郵件，即便回復(fù)起來很方便。