笑話版：政治/民族/宗教類(lèi)笑話若干則（三）

According to the Chinese Calendar, this is currently the year 4720. However, on the Jewish Calendar, it is the year 5783.
Which means, in the beginning, Jews had to suffer through 1,063 years without Chinese food.

（回）根據(jù)中國(guó)的歷法，現(xiàn)在是4720年。然而，根據(jù)猶太歷法，現(xiàn)在是5783年。
這意味著，一開(kāi)始，猶太人不得不在吃不到中餐的痛苦中忍受1063年。

Make_the_music_stop
I was standing at the bar in an International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the fuck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

當(dāng)時(shí)我站在某國(guó)際機(jī)場(chǎng)的酒吧里，一個(gè)小個(gè)子中國(guó)人走進(jìn)來(lái)，站在我旁邊，開(kāi)始喝啤酒，我問(wèn)他：“那些武術(shù)之類(lèi)的有什么是你會(huì)的嗎，比如功夫、空手道或柔術(shù)？”
他說(shuō)：“不會(huì)，你TMD為什么要問(wèn)我這個(gè)？是不是因?yàn)槲沂侵袊?guó)人？”
“不是”，我說(shuō)，“是因?yàn)槟阍诤任业钠【?，你個(gè)小賊”。

Judo is the ancient art of folding laundry that is still being worn.

（回）柔道是古老的疊衣服藝術(shù)，經(jīng)久不衰。

The ancient sport of tucking your dressing gown into your belt and then the other guy pulls it out so you pull his out then you both stop to tuck your dressing gowns in again then you push each other around for a bit because you each pulled each other's dressing gowns out of each other's belts then, of course, this leads to you both pulling each other's dressing gowns out of each other's belt again so another man tells you both to stop and you both have to tuck your dressing gowns back into your belts again and then you both start pushing each other around again and again it's the belt/dressing gown thing and this goes on for what seems like hours until one of you almost manages to throw the other person onto the floor and the referee makes you both stop and tuck in your dressing gowns and then he shouts something in Japanese and points to one of you and I think it means that person won the dressing gown pulling competition.

（回）這是一項(xiàng)古老的運(yùn)動(dòng)，把你的睡袍塞進(jìn)你的腰帶里，然后對(duì)方會(huì)把你的睡袍拉出來(lái)，于是你就把他的睡袍拉出來(lái)，然后你們都停下來(lái)，把各自的睡衣再塞回去，然后你們互相推搡一番，因?yàn)槟銈儼褜?duì)方的睡袍從對(duì)方的腰帶里拉出來(lái)了，之后，這當(dāng)然就會(huì)導(dǎo)致你們又把對(duì)方的睡袍從對(duì)方的腰帶里拉出來(lái)了，所以另一個(gè)人會(huì)要求你們都停下來(lái)，你們倆必須把睡袍重新塞進(jìn)腰帶里，然后你們又開(kāi)始互相推搡，接著又會(huì)去折騰腰帶/睡袍的問(wèn)題，這貌似能持續(xù)好幾個(gè)小時(shí)，直到你們中的一個(gè)人差一點(diǎn)就成功地把另一個(gè)人摔到地板上，然后裁判員會(huì)讓你們都停下來(lái)，把你們的睡袍塞回去，然后他會(huì)用日語(yǔ)喊話，指著你們中的一個(gè)人，我想這個(gè)的意思就是這個(gè)人贏得了這場(chǎng)拉睡袍比賽。

a4techkeyboard
Reminds me of a Philippine-based joke I heard once. It goes:

這讓我想起了我曾經(jīng)聽(tīng)到過(guò)的一個(gè)菲律賓的笑話。是這么說(shuō)的：

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were arguing about whose people are older.
The Jewish man says "We are, we were the ones that crucified Jesus."
The Chinese man replies "And which hardware store did you buy the nails from?"

一個(gè)猶太男人和一個(gè)中國(guó)男人在爭(zhēng)論誰(shuí)的民族更古老。
猶太人說(shuō)：“把耶穌釘死在十字架上的人就是我們這個(gè)民族的?！?br /> 中國(guó)人回答說(shuō)：“那你們從哪家五金店買(mǎi)的釘子？”

The context is that the Philippines is mostly Catholic, and the Filipino Chinese usually own the hardware stores.

背景是，菲律賓大部分都是天主教徒，而五金店通常都是菲律賓華人開(kāi)的。

OrdosDeluxe
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

一個(gè)老人給他的兒子打電話說(shuō)，“聽(tīng)著，你媽和我準(zhǔn)備離婚了。四十五年的痛苦已經(jīng)受夠了?！?br /> “爸爸，你說(shuō)什么？”，兒子尖叫道。
“我們光是看見(jiàn)對(duì)方都無(wú)法忍受了”，他說(shuō)?！拔覅捑肓怂哪槪乙矃捑肓苏?wù)摯耸?，總之給你姐姐打個(gè)電話告訴她此事”，然后他就掛斷了電話。

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.

現(xiàn)在，兒子很擔(dān)心。他給他姐姐打電話。她說(shuō)，“他們要離婚了！想都別想！”她立刻給他們的父親打了電話?！澳悴粫?huì)離婚的！你啥也別干。我們兩個(gè)人明天就飛回家討論這個(gè)問(wèn)題。在那之前，不要找律師，不要提交文件。你聽(tīng)到了嗎？” 她掛斷了電話。

The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

老男人轉(zhuǎn)身對(duì)妻子說(shuō)：“好了，這下他們倆都會(huì)來(lái)過(guò)圣誕節(jié)了，而且機(jī)票錢(qián)他們自己會(huì)付。

Royal_Cover_9428
I asked my wife why she married me.
I asked my wife why she married me.
She said “Because you are funny.”
I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.”
She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

我問(wèn)我妻子為什么她會(huì)嫁給我？
她說(shuō)，“因?yàn)槟愫茱L(fēng)趣”。
我說(shuō)，“我還以為是因?yàn)槲掖采瞎Ψ蚝媚亍薄?br /> 她說(shuō)：“你看，你就是很風(fēng)趣！”

Make_the_music_stop
A married man approaches a woman in the supermarket and says: "I've lost my wife in the aisles... Do you mind if we talk for a while?"
She asks him, "Wouldn't it be better to look for her than to talk to me?"
And the married man answers her: "But it won't be necessary... every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere...".

一個(gè)已婚男人在超市里湊近一個(gè)女人，說(shuō)：“我在過(guò)道里把我老婆弄丟了...你介意我們聊一會(huì)兒?jiǎn)?？?br /> 她問(wèn)他：“去找她不是比和我聊天更好嗎？”
然后這個(gè)已婚男人就回答她說(shuō)，“但這沒(méi)有必要...每次我和漂亮女人說(shuō)話，我老婆就會(huì)突然出現(xiàn)...”

MrGuttor
A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.

一只大猩猩，剛巧趕在動(dòng)物園開(kāi)放前因年老而死去了。這是動(dòng)物園里的唯一一只大猩猩，因?yàn)樗麄兊睦麧?rùn)不高。
然而，到目前為止，大猩猩一直是他們園中最受歡迎的游覽勝地，他們一天也不能沒(méi)有它。因此，動(dòng)物園老板要求他手下的一個(gè)員工穿上他們備好的大猩猩裝，如果他愿意進(jìn)入大猩猩籠子，假扮大猩猩，每天能多得100美元，直到動(dòng)物園能買(mǎi)得起新的大猩猩。
很快，這只新的“大猩猩”成了這家動(dòng)物園里最能引發(fā)狂熱的存在。來(lái)自各地的人們紛紛前來(lái)觀看這只“像人一樣”的大猩猩。

About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions' den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

大約一個(gè)月后，這種狂熱開(kāi)始消退了。因此，為了重新吸引人們的注意力，他決定爬過(guò)自己的圍欄，從旁邊獅穴上方的網(wǎng)狀天花板上懸吊下來(lái)。一大群人聚集在一起，懷著敬畏和恐怖的心情觀看這一奇觀。突然間，這個(gè)人失去了控制，掉在了獅穴的地上。那人開(kāi)始尖叫“救命?。【让?！”突然之間，一只獅子從他身后撲向他，在他耳邊輕聲說(shuō)，“馬上給我閉嘴，否則你會(huì)害得我們兩個(gè)都被解雇?！?/b>