你是如何處理那些你深愛著卻又吵吵鬧鬧的親戚關(guān)系的?（一）

Patty Hearst
This question is very difficult because it is unclear what all the fighting is about. There are just some conflicts you cannot help resolve, and family conflicts often fall into this category. Also, how you handle conflict as a third-party or as someone outside of the conflict will have a direct impact on the conflict. Also, you haven’t said which family members are at odds. When it comes to siblings and their rivalries, you may as well be dealing with Israel and Palestine. When it comes to parents, then you may as well be dealing with the USSR and the USA during the Cold War. You could call a “family conference” and see if you can get the warring factions to sit down, air their grievances, and sort them out enough to at least get to detente. However, if you’re in a family like many families that experience serious conflicts and disconnection, the fighting may simply be battles that have festered and grown over the years and that were never addressed and resolved when they first began. Unfortunately, conflict is easy, while peace is often nigh impossible. You could simply choose to ignore the conflicts, make no negative comments about anyone involved, spend time with your family members separately, and encourage each person to sit down and talk to each other.

這個(gè)問題不好回答，因?yàn)椴磺宄械臓幊呈桥c什么有關(guān)。有一些沖突是你完全無法幫助解決的，而家庭沖突往往屬于這一類。此外，作為第三方或沖突之外的人處理沖突的方式將對沖突產(chǎn)生直接影響。此外，你還沒有說哪些家庭成員意見相左。當(dāng)涉及到兄弟姐妹之間的對抗關(guān)系時(shí)，處理他們之間的關(guān)心與處理以色列和巴勒斯坦的關(guān)系一樣。當(dāng)處理父母之間的關(guān)系時(shí)，就和處理冷戰(zhàn)時(shí)期的蘇聯(lián)和美國的關(guān)系一樣。你可以召開一次“家庭會(huì)議”，看看是否能讓各方坐下來，表達(dá)他們的不滿，并解決他們的問題，至少要達(dá)到緩和目的。然而，如果你所在的家庭關(guān)系和許多家庭一樣，歷經(jīng)嚴(yán)重的沖突后變得疏遠(yuǎn)，那么爭吵可能只是多年來不斷惡化和升級(jí)導(dǎo)致的爭斗，而這些爭斗從一開始就沒有得到解決。不幸的是，沖突很容易發(fā)生，而和平幾乎是不可能的。你可以簡單地選擇忽略沖突，不對任何相關(guān)人員發(fā)表負(fù)面評(píng)論，單獨(dú)與家人共度時(shí)光，并鼓勵(lì)大家坐下來相互交談。

Also, never make any negative comments to anyone in the family about anyone else in the family and absolutely, positively never make any statements that suggest everyone is wrong or that everyone has done something wrong. Listen (as much as you can) to what each person says about the other and try to get at the root of what may be the problem. If your sister says, “our brother hates me” don’t argue with her and say he doesn’t or say anything to the effect of “why can’t you two just get along?” or “why do you two have to live this way?” Obviously, if they could get along they would. Ask her to tell you specifically what he may have said or done that makes her believe what she believes and then really listen to her response. You want to be supportive of each person and encourage the genuine sharing of feelings in order to understand the conflict. Sometimes understanding a conflict as an outsider is much more important than actually resolving it because then you may be able to share your insights in a way that helps each person come to his or her own resolution. Then again, depending on the people involved, you may just want to say nothing at all and hope for the best. The last thing you want to do is inadvertently start your own family conflict because of something you said that gets taken out of context or misinterpreted! Oye! Good Luck.

此外，永遠(yuǎn)不要對家里的任何人說任何關(guān)于家里其他人的負(fù)面評(píng)論，絕對不要說任何暗示大家都錯(cuò)了或者大家都做錯(cuò)了之類的言論。（盡可能多地）傾聽每個(gè)人對對方的評(píng)價(jià)，并試圖找出問題的根源。如果你姐姐說“我們的哥哥恨我”，不要和她爭論，說他沒有恨你，或者說“你們倆為什么不能好好相處?”或者“你們兩個(gè)為什么要這樣生活?””顯然，如果他們能相處，他們會(huì)的。讓她具體告訴你他可能說過什么或做了什么，讓她相信自己的想法，然后認(rèn)真傾聽她的回答。你要支持每一個(gè)人，鼓勵(lì)他們真誠地分享自己的感受，這樣才能理解沖突。有時(shí)，作為局外人理解沖突比實(shí)際解決沖突重要得多，因?yàn)檫@樣你就可以分享你的見解，幫助每個(gè)人找到自己的解決方案。再說一遍，根據(jù)相關(guān)人員的不同，你可能什么都不想說，希望一切都好。你最不想做的就是因?yàn)槟阏f的話被斷章取義或被誤解而無意中引發(fā)家庭沖突!哦 !祝你好運(yùn)。

Rama G
How do you manage your relatives?
I have my own style.
My Fil was a very very very sweet person. Can not say ‘no' to anyone. So for many people he gave financial surety signatures and finally ended up paying.
After our marriage my MGM lion ( mil) warned me and gave all the powers to stop my husband if he continues his dad's legacy.
my Fil had one more habit. Who ever comes to Bangalore he will give them our address. But they come and stay in our house for days together.
We were financially having some tough period that time. We were Young, naive, we don't know eachother well since it's arranged marriage, single bedroom flat, adding to that these herds of relatives. I didn't know much cooking. No maid help. Just married. May be for some twenty days we were free after our marriage. That's it.
Half of them never saw us before.
After one month when we told this to my mil she became furious. Gave full freedom to me to chase them unless they are our immediate family members or maternal or paternal close relatives which we know for years.
The luck is there were no cellphones, no landline. So they used to come only with one address slip.

你是如何管理你與親戚的關(guān)系？
我有自己的風(fēng)格。
我的菲爾（Fil ）是一個(gè)非常非常善良的人。不能對任何人說“不”。因此，對于許多人來說，他做了財(cái)務(wù)擔(dān)保簽字，最終還是付出了代價(jià)。
我們結(jié)婚后，我的MGM lion（婆婆）警告我，如果我丈夫繼續(xù)繼承他父親的“遺產(chǎn)”，我會(huì)全權(quán)阻止他。
我的菲爾還有一個(gè)習(xí)慣。誰來班加羅爾，他都會(huì)告訴他們我們的地址。但是他們會(huì)來我們家一起呆上幾天。
那段時(shí)間我們的財(cái)務(wù)狀況很艱難。我們年輕，天真，我們不太了解彼此，因?yàn)槲覀兪前k婚姻，住單身公寓，再加上這群親戚。我不太懂烹飪。沒有女仆幫忙。就結(jié)婚了?；楹蟠蟾庞卸熳笥椅覀兪亲杂勺栽诘模褪沁@樣。
他們中有一半人以前從未見過我們。
一個(gè)月后，當(dāng)我們把這件事告訴我的婆婆時(shí)，她勃然大怒。給了我充分的自由來趕走他們，除非他們是我們的直系親屬或我們認(rèn)識(shí)多年的父母近親。
幸運(yùn)的是那里沒有手機(jī)，沒有座機(jī)。所以他們過去只帶著一張地址條。

My Fil also felt bad for their behaviour. Explained us he is worried since we are far away from them. He told them to visit us if possible, never told them to stay. But didn't stop giving our address. It's his weakness.
But few relatives are like blood tasted mosquitos. They really needed repellents.
Even when I say my husband is not in station, they won't mind staying saying you are like our daughter'!
It became such an extreme, one couple came and did their daughter's engagement in our house in a small scale. Literally I ended up sleeping in kitchen, my husband in a corner of the hall. Don't ask about my provisions, soaps, and other things. We don't have geyser. So to everyone I have to boil water with electrical coil and got a huge electricity bill. I became their official cook. Maid.
I got fed up and asked my husband's permission to chase them away because all these betallions are from his side. He too got fed up.
I assured except his important people remaining are selfish money saving gang taking advantage of his dad and us. So nothing wrong teaching them a lesson.

我的菲爾也因他們的行為而感到不悅。他向我們解釋說他很擔(dān)心，因?yàn)槲覀冸x他們很遠(yuǎn)。他告訴他們?nèi)绻赡艿脑拋碚椅覀?，但從未要求他們留下來。但沒有停止提供我們的地址這個(gè)舉動(dòng)，這是他的弱點(diǎn)。
但少數(shù)親戚像嘗過血的蚊子一樣，對付他們真的需要用到“驅(qū)蟲劑”了。
即使我說我丈夫沒在，他們沒臉沒皮留下來說“你就像我們的女兒”一樣！
事情變得如此極端，一對夫婦來我們家小范圍地舉行他們女兒的訂婚儀式。實(shí)際上，我睡在廚房里，我丈夫睡在大廳的一角。更不要說我們的食物、肥皂和其他東西了。我們沒有熱水器。所以我必須用熱得快燒水，并收到巨額電費(fèi)賬單。我成了他們的正式廚師和女仆。
我受夠了，征求我丈夫的同意，把他們趕走，因?yàn)檫@些人都是他那邊的親戚，他也受夠了。
我敢肯定，除了他那邊的關(guān)鍵親戚，其余那些人都是群自私的小氣鬼——利用他爸爸和我們，所以給他們個(gè)教訓(xùn)沒什么不對的。

So
1.if morning time anyone comes I will become official servant maid. Tell them ‘a(chǎn)mmagau and ayyagaru' ( madam and sir) are not there. I came to finish my work. I will lock the door Infront of them and go faster than them to back side garden of basement.
Few oversmart people still try their best tricks. Say they know us very well. They just stay for two days , I can give key to them!!
I ask will you allow same thing in your house? maid can allow anyone to stay in owner’s house in their absence? This is Bangalore! What's the guarantee you are their relative?
2. I tell my husband to go early to office. Tell him to eat in office canteen. I can stay till 2 o clock without any food. (Fasting till puja is done is quite common in our families)
Till 2 at afternoon my puja continues. I tell them they can go out and have something because I can't make anything , no need to worry about me I will eat some fruits so they can bring if they like.

所以有3種應(yīng)對方式：
1、如果早上有人來的話，我就扮作女仆。告訴他們‘a(chǎn)mmagau和ayyagaru’（女士和先生）沒在家。我是來完成我的工作的。我會(huì)把他們鎖在門外面，然后比他們更快地去地庫的后花園。
少數(shù)過度聰明的人仍然盡其所能。說他們非常了解我們，他們只呆兩天，我可以把鑰匙交給他們！
我問你們，同樣的情況，你們會(huì)允許別人進(jìn)入你們的房子嗎？女傭可以允許任何人在主人不在的時(shí)候住在主人家里嗎？這里是班加羅爾！你怎么證明你是他們的親戚?
2、我告訴我丈夫早點(diǎn)去上班，叫他在辦公室食堂吃飯。我可以不吃東西一直呆到2點(diǎn)。（在我們的家庭里，齋戒到禮拜結(jié)束是很常見的）
直到下午2點(diǎn)，我仍在繼續(xù)禮拜。我告訴他們，他們可以出去吃點(diǎn)東西，因?yàn)槲也荒茏鋈魏螙|西，不用擔(dān)心我，所以如果他們愿意，可以帶些水果給我。

3. I will make breakfast and tell I too have some work out side and let's have lunch out side. I go with them. Make them pay for some items too. It should be equal to their stay expenses in my house.
Then I praise them , people like them wherever they go, no one feel them like a burden, infact people will be waiting for them! When they will come to our house? When they will come to our house? But many unfortunately won't behave like them. Just want to save their money throwing their expenditure on some others!! When I am sure' Message received ' by them I give them good farewell dinner.
Slowly things came under control.
But nowadays things are much easier. Phones are there. You can create your reasons for unable to show your hospitality. But be truthful to your self . You too may need them one day in future.
The thing is both of you should decide who is allowed, who is not allowed.
You too should not trouble anyone by landing on their heads. Becoming unwanted guests.

3、我會(huì)做早餐，告訴對方我要出去辦事，我們得在外面吃午飯。我和他們一起去，讓他們也為一些東西買單，這應(yīng)該等同于他們在我家的住宿費(fèi)。
然后我贊美他們，無論他們走到哪里，人們都喜歡他們，沒有人覺得他們是一種負(fù)擔(dān)，事實(shí)上人們會(huì)等著他們?nèi)ィ　麄兪裁磿r(shí)候來我們家？但不幸的是，許多人不會(huì)像他們那樣行事。只是想把自己的錢省下來，讓別人花錢!當(dāng)我了解到這些信息后，就給他們餞行。
慢慢地，事情得到了控制。
但現(xiàn)在事情變得容易多了，通了電話。你可以為自己無法熱情招待他們而創(chuàng)造理由，但要真誠才行，畢竟在未來的某一天，你也可能需要他們。
問題是你們倆應(yīng)該決定誰可以，誰不可以。
你也不應(yīng)該去麻煩別人，成為別人的不速之客。

In my case
One nasty relative rumoured my husband married his servant maid ( me). I made him leave his first wife!!! He said that when he saw me for the first time beside my husband in a marriage! He straight away asked my husband! My husband was shocked to hear that allegation! That fellow was the one I didn't give key saying I am maid. Haha. Things will boomerang too.
Help genuine relatives who can't afford to stay in hotels but their work is really urgent.
Shoo away parasites. Selfish relatives. ‘
It's my principle.

就我而言
一個(gè)討厭的親戚謠傳我丈夫娶了他的女仆（我），我讓他離開他的第一任妻子！他說，當(dāng)他在婚禮中第一次看到我在我丈夫身邊時(shí)！他就這些事直接問我老公!我丈夫聽到這個(gè)指控很震驚！那個(gè)家伙就是我沒給鑰匙還說我是女仆的那個(gè)。哈哈，這也有現(xiàn)世報(bào)。
所以請接待你的好親戚。
幫助那些住不起酒店但又要處理急迫的事情的真正的親戚。
趕走寄生蟲——自私的親戚。
這是我的原則。

Melissa Myer
What is it like to be raised by parents who love each other unconditionally?
As a child, it was pretty darned wonderful.
My parents met and married late in life—I wasn’t really supposed to happen, but I did. I was always comforted by the knowledge that my mom and dad married for love and not to replicate their respective genes. They wanted to be with each other unconditionally; there was no Big Life Agenda attached. This had a direct impact on me, because:
They always placed each other, and their marriage, first. It’s not that they didn’t love me, because they did. By placing each other first, I grew up safe and secure in the knowledge that I wouldn’t come from a broken home. Or far worse: that I would one day bear the guilt of having them stay together for my sake. I cannot think of anything worse than that.
They modeled loving behavior. I have fond memories of my parents going out together on Friday nights. My mom all dressed up, her heels tapping across the floor, smelling of Chanel No. 5, and my dad jingling his keys, ready to go.
Because I wasn’t the sole focus of their attention/affection, I became independent at an early age, and knew how to make friends and influence people I didn’t have the separation anxiety that a lot of kids did. It was always easy for me to tell which of my friends’ parents didn’t really love each other, because they were a freakin’ mess.

被無條件相愛的父母撫養(yǎng)是什么感覺？
作為一個(gè)孩子，這真是太棒了。
我父母在晚年相識(shí)并結(jié)婚——本不該有我，還是有了我。當(dāng)我知道我的父母是為了愛而不是為了留下他們各自的基因而結(jié)婚時(shí)，我總是感到欣慰。他們想無條件地和對方在一起——沒有“人生大計(jì)劃”，這對我產(chǎn)生了直接影響，因?yàn)椋?br /> 他們總是把彼此和他們的婚姻放在第一位。并不是說他們不愛我，正是因?yàn)樗麄儛畚?。通過把彼此放在第一位，我在成長過程中感到安全，因?yàn)槲抑雷约翰粫?huì)來自一個(gè)破碎的家庭?；蛘吒愀獾氖牵河幸惶煳視?huì)為他們?yōu)榱宋叶谝黄鸲械絻?nèi)疚，我想不出比這更糟糕的了。
他們示范了愛的行為，我對父母每周五晚上一起出去的舉動(dòng)有美好的回憶。我媽媽打扮得漂漂亮亮，她的高跟鞋敲擊著地板，散發(fā)著香奈兒5號(hào)的味道，我爸爸敲著他的鑰匙，準(zhǔn)備出發(fā)。
因?yàn)槲也皇撬麄冴P(guān)注/喜愛的唯一焦點(diǎn)，我很小就變得獨(dú)立了，知道如何交朋友和影響別人！我沒有很多孩子會(huì)有的分離焦慮。我總是很容易就能分辨出我朋友的父母彼此并不相愛——因?yàn)樗麄兊年P(guān)系一團(tuán)糟。

After I left home and went to university, I didn’t have to worry about them getting divorced like most of my friends’ parents. If they had gotten divorced, I would have had to always worry about their emotional, physical and financial welfare.
Big downside: I grew up thinking that my parents’ happy marriage was normal. It was not normal. They were one of the rare couples who loved each other till death did they part. So I thought that it would be easy-peasy to find a life partner like that.
Oh, how wrong I was!
I didn’t know how to deal with men who treated me disrespectfully or poorly. When they didn’t put our relationship/marriage first, I convinced myself that there was a magic way to turn them around, when that is simply not the case.
I had a very rough go of it in relationships. I almost feel like I had a “relationship disability”.
It took a very long time for me to figure out that although growing up with parents who loved each other was wonderful, I was not owed the same thing. It’s been a hard reality to face.
Great question, by the way!

在我離開家上大學(xué)后，我不必像大多數(shù)朋友擔(dān)心他們的父母離婚一樣擔(dān)心他們。如果他們離婚了，我將不得不一直擔(dān)心他們的情感、身體和經(jīng)濟(jì)福利。
最大的缺點(diǎn)是：我從小就認(rèn)為父母婚姻幸福是很正常的，其實(shí)這不正常。他們是極少數(shù)相愛至死不渝的情侶之一，所以我曾認(rèn)為找到這樣的生活伴侶會(huì)很容易。
哦，我錯(cuò)了！
我不知道如何應(yīng)付那些對我無禮或?qū)ξ也缓玫哪腥?。?dāng)他們沒有把我們的關(guān)系/婚姻放在第一位時(shí)，我說服自己有一種神奇的方法可以扭轉(zhuǎn)這種局面，但事實(shí)并非如此。
我在感情關(guān)系中經(jīng)歷了一段非常艱難的時(shí)期。我?guī)缀跤X得自己有“關(guān)系障礙”。
我花了很長時(shí)間才明白，盡管和相愛的父母一起長大很美好，但我并沒有我沒有遇到同樣美好的婚姻，這是一個(gè)難以面對的現(xiàn)實(shí)。
順便提一下，這個(gè)問題很棒！

Anonymous
What do I do when my relatives always put me down?
I have some thing to say,
Someone is putting you down for real, you don’t need them.
Someone is putting you down for real, they don’t need you.
Skip them, that’s the best thing you can ever do. We all come from a family where everybody is unique and have different thoughts for life. Some are good and few are greed, which obviously lives upon them and their thoughts.
When you always know what to do or how to do, sometimes the best thing to do is avoiding the badness around you. Just skip it my friend, it’s good for all.
Never degrade yourself because someone has made a thought about you, which isn’t real or not agreeable. If someone isn’t trying to understand your point, they are not respecting your presence.
Think logically, we have grown up believing the goodness in humanity - Which is quite lost or missing in most of them. It’s time to understand reality, rather sticking to the old books of humanity.
Talking about humanity - help the needy. Be good and think good and never underestimate yourself, they have no idea who you really are.

當(dāng)我的親戚總是貶低我時(shí)，我該怎么辦？
我有話要說，
有人真的在貶低你，你不需要他們。
有人真的在貶低你，他們不需要你。
無視它們，這是你能做的最好的事情。我們都來自一個(gè)家庭，但是每個(gè)人都是獨(dú)一無二的，對生活有不同的想法。有些人是善良的，少數(shù)人是貪婪的，貪婪顯然存在于他們和他們的思想中。
當(dāng)你總是知道該做什么或如何做時(shí)，有時(shí)最好的事情就是避免身邊的糟糕的事情。無視他們吧，我的朋友，這對所有人都有好處。
永遠(yuǎn)不要因?yàn)閯e人對你的看法而貶低自己，這種看法是不真實(shí)的或令人不愉快的。如果有人不試圖理解你的觀點(diǎn)，他們就是不尊重你。
從邏輯上思考，我們從小就相信人性的善良——而大多數(shù)人都不是這樣的。是時(shí)候理解現(xiàn)實(shí)了，而不是拘泥于人類的陳舊理論。
說到人性——幫助需要幫助的人。做個(gè)好人，往好處想，永遠(yuǎn)不要低估自己，他們畢竟不知道你到底是誰。

原創(chuàng)翻譯：龍騰網(wǎng) http://www.top-shui.cn 轉(zhuǎn)載請注明出處